Women’s bodies are incredible. They truly defy nature and literally all the laws of physics.
Women—what are they? How do they operate? And does that even matter? No one knows for certain how women’s bodies work. Trust us, we’ve asked everyone: men, congressmen, doctors who are men, ourselves in the mirror—everyone!
But, despite not knowing anything about women for certain, here are some definitive facts about women that we are confident about:
Like IKEA furniture or a model airplane, women require time, patience, and an itty-bitty screwdriver. We all know that women take forever to get ready! It’s, like, what is she even doing in there? Shaving her body and filing for divorce? Unfortunately, women don’t come with an instruction manual. In this sense, D.I.Y. furniture and little planes are much easier to manage.
Women’s bodies are both impressive and confusing. See, women can have it all—or maybe just those two things!
Speaking of possessions, a boat can be a woman. A car can be a woman. But can a woman be a woman? That depends on the woman.
Women, like cars or boats, have many parts: a head, legs, a mouth for vocal fry, hands for making cookies. If you look closely, women also have a tiny pullstring. When you yank it, they say typical woman things, such as “Sorry!” and “No worries if not!” and “Please stop, that’s my tampon!” And did we mention “Sorry!”?
A woman and her body are defined by the men around her. In fact, if you look up the word “woman” in the dictionary, there is a photograph of a Republican congressman, red-faced and yelling, “I’ll tell ya what a woman is!”
Every so often, a voice in the back of our heads questions whether what we’re saying is right—if this really is how women’s bodies work or if we’re just making stuff up because we can’t be bothered to learn anything. But then we think, Nah, we’re men. And men know more things. That is another important fact about women! They know fewer things than men.
A woman really doesn’t need much to stay alive. Just some sun and water on occasion and she will thrive. If you want to go the extra mile, giving her some fertilizer is always a nice bonus. But, if you’re looking for something even more low-maintenance, experts recommend a succulent.
So there you have it! That is how women work. And if there’s one thing to remember from all of this it’s that a woman cannot be trusted with important tasks, such as being the President or deciding what movie to stream or what to do with her body. But one thing’s for certain: a woman’s body can (and must) be a house for a baby. ♦
