Given that this is a family newspaper, and that I've always tried my best to respect that and act accordingly, I can't report to you today on one of the more prevalent by-products of the Tom Brady-Bridget Moynahan pregnancy.
You know what I'm talking about. The jokes.
Not that the plight of the New England Patriots' quarterback and his movie star ex-girlfriend is a laughing matter, of course, but it's human nature - especially in my business, where 90 percent of sports departments are populated by twisted minds - to take serious circumstances and squeeze bizarre humor out of them.
You've probably heard the jokes, but I can't write them here. Even if I just hint at them, with phrases such as "fly patterns" and "trap plays," I'm running a risk.
Maybe it's just a defense mechanism of mine to want to find humor in situations that are practically humorless. I can think back to when I was younger, and when certain risks were taken due to the excesses and enthusiasm of stupid youth, and I can tell you without hesitation that had my girlfriend told me in 1971 that she was expecting a bundle of joy, neither of us would have been laughing about it -especially since, like everyone else that age, we had been told over and over about the pitfalls of hormonal rage.
The big difference is that in 1971, I and my girlfriend were 17 years old. That may not forgive the risks, but it explains them a little better.
Tom Brady is 29. Bridget Moynahan is 36. I think the phrase "old enough to know better" fits here.
Now, I don't want to get into a huge debate about liberal moralities and attitudes on one side, and the call for hell-fire and damnation from the radical right on the other. This isn't a political debate, at least not in the newsprint consumption I control.
No, I'm going to keep focused upon one theme, and one alone - the responsibility of being a role model. I know it's clichéd and possibly even irrelevant in today's society, but I think there's still something to be said for people in the public eye to act with respect for how their behavior is interpreted and potentially mimicked by others.
OK, I know what you're saying. Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton. The late Anna Nicole Smith. Athletes in all of the major sports who've spread their seed willy-nilly across the land. Any number of politicians and other public figures behaving badly, too. You're thinking that I can't possibly be that naïve to think that role models still exist - other than bad ones.
Sadly, you may be right.
I can't deny it, I'm profoundly disappointed in Our Tom.
I really thought that he might have been different from the rest. Forget the boyish good looks and the measured demeanor. It just seemed that he was a little more grounded than some other athletes who's gone from rags to riches in a short amount of time and stumbled over the pitfalls of fame. It seemed that he was fully aware that how he acted in public had the potential to shape young minds.
Some of my friends warned me, however, that Our Tom could easily be seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.
One of my fellow scribes from a neighboring suburban daily has been telling me for some time that the Golden Boy image had a few cracks in it, but I chose not to listen.
I also had this debate about six months ago with a very dear female friend, just before reports of trouble in the Brady-Bridget relationship hit the tabloids. My contention was that Brady was sensible to have ditched Tara Reid, another train-wreck celebrity, for someone a little more stable in Ms. Moynahan, whose roots are in Longmeadow, Mass. - and yes, she captained the Longmeadow Lancers girls' hoop team in high school, another reason for me to like her.
My friend, however, said that Brady would soon ditch Bridget for one reason and one reason alone. "He's a man," she said - and while I can't represent the negative inflection she put on the word "man" in print, I'm sure you catch her drift.
Funny thing is, I've heard that a lot in the last couple of days. Most of the women to whom I've spoken just generally accept that the "Y" chromosome carries with it the imprint for insensitivity and selfishness in a relationship.
Also predictably, a lot of the men have suggested that Bridget used a time-honored trick to back Tom into a corner and force him to rekindle the relationship. And both sides are questioning the motives behind the Moynihan camp's sudden admissions of pregnancy and paternity.
But again, that's not the point. This stuff happens every day to people whose private lives won't be the lead story on "Extra" or on the front page of tomorrow's Herald - and before you start blaming the media, people, remember one thing. We wouldn't be writing this stuff if you, the public, hadn't demanded it from us. Britney would be just another liquored-up bimbo wandering in and out of tattoo parlors if you hadn't put her and her ilk on pedestals in the first place.
Now, Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan and their human failings are fodder for public consumption. Regrettable, yes, but both of them are smart enough to have known what was going to happen. There's reason enough here to be disappointed in both of them.
No one has given much thought to the product of the Brady-Bridget liaison, the child. Surely he or she won't ever suffer financially, for there's plenty of income on either side of the fence - but personally, I'd dread hearing for the first time, "My daddy was the quarterback of the New England Patriots and he didn't want me?"
Meanwhile, Brady is gallivanting around Paris with his current squeeze, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, seemingly without a care in the world, while this bombshell explodes back at home. The pundits are clamoring for a statement from Brady, and the so-called PR "experts" say he must provide some sort of explanation if he wants to keep his image intact.
All of this must be turning the stomach of Patriots' owner Robert Kraft, who has tried to promote his team as "family" entertainment.
He already has to sweat out the outcome of a seamy divorce case in New Jersey, in which head coach Bill Belichick has been accused of being "the other man" in a messy split-up of a former Giants Stadium receptionist and her husband, and now his squeaky-clean quarterback is the fodder for late-night comedians' monologues.
Let's face it, none of this is new. Look at the Patriots' media guide, and under the "personal" listings for each player, you'll see plenty of non-traditional family situations. It's just not a big deal - unless you happen to be one of the two most recognizable individuals on the team.
One was chosen one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people on the planet, and the other is a two-time Super Bowl MVP, and now their personal reputations are on the line for reasons that I'd certainly rather not be writing.
We've been pretty lucky around here to have a team that used to generate headlines solely for what it did on the football field. Those days are done, however - and maybe it's a good thing that we're being reminded that it's wise to choose our role models more carefully.
I'm not saying that anyone should stop cheering Tom Brady's exploits on the football field. But the revelations of this past week have reaffirmed my belief that the cheers should be confined to the playing field, and not offered for any other sort of play in which our "heroes" may be participating.
MARK FARINELLA may be reached at 508-236-0315 or via e-mail at mfarinel@thesunchronicle.com